This year has been hard on me. Things have happened, that I never dreamed of ever happening. Chris, my fiancé, passed away in April this year. We were having a rough time before he passed away so that just made this experience so much harder. After everything we had been through and now, he is just gone. I can’t call him, or send him a text to see if he is okay. He is just not there.
The biggest reason why it is so hard for me is because at one point in time I prepared myself for him not to be there, when he was deployed two times. First off, how does anyone “prepare” for their loved one to not come back?! Now that it has actually happened, there really is no way to prepare for something like that. We went through 2 deployments for him to make it back both times, go through all sorts of things, like car accidents and motorcycle accidents to have him all of a sudden just not make it through one completely tore me apart. I couldn’t function.
Everything that I thought was normal completely changed. Nothing was familiar anymore. I wasn’t eating, and at one point I wasn’t getting out of bed. I would just sleep because that was the only thing that I knew how to do or could do without breaking down. At first I relived the tragedy of him being in an accident and him being in the hospital in my dreams. I tried to make sense of everything that was going on and everything that actually happened and I couldn’t do it.
A couple months later, I lost Harley. I was in the middle of moving when she passed. Needless to say I have more than my fair share of tragedy this year. It has been a struggle and a learning experience. I wish things were different but all I can do is move forward. I refuse to be stuck in a place where I can’t grow.
As I continue on this journey called life, I will share with you how I have managed to get back to being (kind of) normal.
I’m hoping that someone will be able to learn from my experiences.