Drinking, lots and lots of drinking.
I know it wasn’t the healthiest outlet, but it also wasn’t the worst. I didn’t want to think. Anytime I was left to think, I would either have a nervous break down or I would cry. I also didn’t let people see it. Only a few select people got to witness my break downs. I felt like it wasn’t anyone else’s burden, even though I couldn’t deal with the tragedy on my own. I eventually let more people in.
We did a memorial ride to release his ashes, and it was about a month after he passed. If there is anything that I would recommend is that whether you are releasing remains or burying your loved ones… DON’T WAIT SO LONG. There was a sense of unrest, and anxiety. It is therapeutic and needs to happen sooner rather than later. It is extremely painful, but afterwards there was another sense of peace, a lot like the one I talked about before in Dealing with Grief: The Stages.
There was a lot to take care of, bills and other responsibilities, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even tell you which end was up. I was stuck in slow motion while the world was a busy beehive around me. Everyone else had somewhere to be, and things to do. All the things I needed to do, I could barely do. I didn’t know what to do. Thank goodness for my Mom, a few friends and my roommate, without them I wouldn’t have made it through that first month. I was forced to go outside, forced to eat and assisted in administrative type tasks so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
Overall, it was just sadness. Nothing mattered to me, I didn’t matter. And by the end of the month I couldn’t pay for just about anything. One of my best friends was nice enough to create a Go-Fund-Me campaign and words cannot express how appreciative I was of that and all those that contributed. It helped me on so many levels.
I some how managed to go to work during that first month. I don’t know how, I was a mess and any time anyone asked me if I was okay I would have to fight the tears and that was if I could even keep them back. After the first month, is when the anger came. I started to miss just being sad, the anger was overwhelming and it wasn’t me. I wasn’t in control.
The good news is that things do get better but the first month took a lot out of me, emotionally and physically.